Tag Archives: relationships

Effort, Attention, and Understanding

Do any of you ever feel like screaming ‘I just don’t get it!‘? How about ‘You just don’t understand.’?

I do.

I frequently do. I put great effort into understanding the world around me–and the people in it. I often fail, but the effort is there. I even feel, more often than not, that I’m just too different to understand. To fit in. To be acccepted. Because that’s what it’s all about, isn’t it?

Allow me to tell you a story about a recent conflict in my life:

I have a problem with assholes. I really do. I think that bullying, fear mongering, and spreading lies about someone is completely unacceptable, and, unfortunately, it seems to me that these behaviors run rampant in the world. When it comes to understanding these people who use lies and fear to get their way, I have a major block. I try to tell myself that they are having a bad day…or they are insecure about their own life… or something to justify their behavior so it doesn’t infuriate me so much, but I normally end up clenching my jaw and suppressing the overwhelming sensation that something in the center of my chest just began the process of nuclear fusion.

The other week, I had an experience with someone like this. I was told that some problem that said person was experiencing was my fault, and that I had better fix the issue. Honestly? I know that I’m no angel, but I know that I’m not the source of every problem in the lives of the people around me, no matter how loudly they scream the opposite.

Now in any random person said this to me, I would immediately ask where this idea came from, and attempt to handle the issue then and there. With any random person, this would more than likely work, as they would respond with an answer and we would work things out from there. However, lately, I have encountered a fair few people who don’t seem to listen to other people’s perspectives, and act as though their own is the only true view.

In cases like these, my brain, spirit, and body respond physically with a surge of fear, anxiety, and panic. I feel as though my person is actually in danger. Why? It doesn’t make sense that these people would have any cause to do anything to me. I barely know them; my interactions with them are minimal. Which is how I know that I could not have done something to cause the problems that they say I have. After all, how could someone you barely know and see have that much of an impact on you?

If it has nothing to do with the interactions between the two of us, then, frankly, I’m left with the idea that it must be the impressions that each of us has left on the other; If, somehow, this person gave me the impression that they would dismiss my perspective–and that is, to my mind, a dismissal of my entire person–then it follows that I have somehow given them an impression that infuriates, frightens, or otherwise affects them strongly. Perhaps I am missing some key piece of evidence that would point me in another direction, or simply being arrogant or naive about the situation; but, I have come to this conclusion nonetheless.

However, even if I have come to my own (correct or incorrect) conclusions as to what in going on in the situation, I still have the feelings I have described above when I am around these people. And I don’t like always being afraid. Easily, these feelings morph into anger: anger that I feel this way at all; anger that I can’t seem to fix the situation; anger that I have to deal with the situation. Because, frankly, anger is easier to deal with and accept than fear.

So when I encounter a few of these people in my daily life, I usually shut down to prevent myself from lashing out, which I am also morally against.

I know what you’re probably thinking. At least, I know what my friends always tell me: ‘Just don’t let them get to you’. Well, guess what, Tonto, they do. So I suppose the real question is, Why? Why do they affect me so much?

I watched a video-article about the recent LGBT-rights deterioration around the world (Russia, most African countries, etc). The article asserted that it’s most interesting and important point was that Christian communities around the world were giving these actions against the LGBT world community their support. Now, normally, I wouldn’t give these assertions much thought, because they always seem like the typical liberal vs. conservative hacking comments (screw you!… screw you, too!), but in light of the recent events in my life, I’ve given a lot of thought to the idea that people don’t really understand what the “other side” is thinking or what their intentions are. I grew up in a very religious family, and, while I’m quite secular, I have a strong acceptance of religious views. While attempting to understand this dilemma of different viewpoints pointing the finger instead of trying to understand one another, I came across two articles: one about a man coming out as gay, and one about a woman’s experience with fear of judgment.

In both, the writers described the feeling of relief and peace that came with open and honest communication in their lives, and that message was quite powerful to me, as honesty is a major principle in my life. I felt it was a validation of my own beliefs… and yet, I saw that I wasn’t owning up to it in every sense.

And I was ashamed of it.

Immediately, in order to satisfy my growing demand for honesty in all aspects of my life, I sent out a text questioning my religious relatives on their views regarding the events surrounding the LGBT vs. Christian debate. Sounds good in theory, right? Well, my wonderful and understanding aunt sent me back a very thoughtful note explaining that, while she understood that my question was meant in an honest and curious manner, it had come across as extremely judgmental and offensive. She went on to answer the question as best she could.

Shamed again.

I understood my error, of course, and immediately set out to correct it. But all the responses that I got from this experience stated that these sorts of questions really required a personal audience and time to demonstrate, think, and explain. In essence, it required a thoughtful conversation between two people. Which brings me full circle, here.

I just don’t have the confidence in my social abilities to maintain these sorts of honest and open relationships with people. I misunderstand, get angry to prevent anxiety and confusion from marking my life, and the situation spirals until I just walk away. (The whole point of these reflections, really..) But honestly? I am getting the feeling through these explorations that everyone else is guilty of exactly the same thing.

I went back to my experiences with difficult people who make me anxious on a regular basis, in an attempt to really understand how to move forward positively, (though, I was really on the verge of running away again.) I asked for advice from people in the community, who had knowledge of said angry people. I opened up with these people, and had multiple honest conversations about my flaws and how I could go about addressing the issue. About the other perspective, and how by just changing my perspective, or even just my understanding, of the situation, I could face my anxiety without anger. I could communicate with these angry people and work with them. 

And I did. It felt, if not amazing, as though I were moving in the right direction. And, I suppose, I was. After all, understanding what lies beyond the next rise means walking there first.